Celebrating Individual Differences

Tim Graves, M.S.Ed.

As I drive I see bumper stickers that say "Celebrate Diversity". At professional early childhood conferences I attend workshops on "anti-bias" curriculum. Many of us are really committed to tolerance and respect for differences. We are at times even optimistic that things are changing and improving until we hear children make racist or other biased remarks. We wonder and fret shouting "He doesn't hear that at home!" and "How could she have learned that!"

Regretfully, it is my fault. I am to blame. Sadly, you might be, too. And we're the good people who are committed to tolerance and respect for differences. We are the people who are going to change the world. We're educators and parents.

When my daughter Jessica was three years old she came home from the child care center--the very one in which I taught--and told me that "black people don't like white people to come to their houses!" I was rather disturbed by this and upon investigation discovered that she learned this from her two teachers as they talked and kidded one another during naptime. My daughter lay awake on her cot as her African-American teacher said in a friendly and joking manner to her white teacher "I don't want you white folks coming to my house!" Now, I would have blamed this entire incident of my daughter's racist comment on the teachers except that I was partly to blame. You see when Jessica was faced with this comment, she also was unable to remember very many--if any times--that our family had socialized with African-Americans let alone visit their homes.

Recently, as I sat in the waiting room of my son's orthodontist I found myself looking at the other parents. Everyone was light skinned, one mother and daughter were of Asian descent but the rest of us had ties to a northern European heritage. Out of eight parents one other father and I sat with our children; the rest were mothers. I found my mind wandering and I found myself making judgments about the parents based solely upon their appearance. The man sitting next to me, wore blue jeans and a dark t-shirt under a work jacket and was unshaven for probably two, maybe three days. I pegged him for a carpenter or an electrician or maybe an unemployed factory worker. I was surprised when I saw one woman pull out her tiny cell phone and make comments that sounded very much like she might be a lawyer. I was surprised because I had her pegged as an unskilled worker who simply had a lot of leftover Halloween makeup. More makeup on her face than I liked meant she couldn't possibly be educated or very bright.

My thoughts and biases and stories about the others in the room remained in my own mind but I began to wonder about what I do say and how it may affect my children's attitudes toward others and specifically their attitudes toward diversity. As a teacher and parent I sometimes say one thing while doing something quite different. You may do the same thing. My fear is that our children are "hearing" what we do rather than what we say.

• We say, "I want my children to respect differences" and we make fun of the outfits of the teens at the mall or on Main Street or we make rude comments about the homeless woman in the city.

• We say, "I want my children to see the beauty in everyone" and we complain about the surly cashier as we leave a store or pay toll on the thruway. I wonder what people think of me when I am surly? Of course, in my mind it's different because I have a good reason.

• We say, "I want my children to celebrate individual differences" and we insist on orange construction paper jack-o-lanterns and straight lines and quiet children in our effort to make us all the same.

• We say, "I want my children to be tolerant of differences" and we complain because our spouse folds our socks the wrong way.

• We say, "I want my children to 'love one another'" and we call the Hari Krishna's crazy, we call Muslims terrorists, and characterize some Christian groups as intolerant and hateful while we are intolerant of their point of view.

And, unlike my thoughts in the waiting room of the orthodontist, we speak these things aloud and in front of our children. We are intolerant, unloving, judgmental, and disrespectful to one another regularly. I know, because I am guilty of this, too.

So, what can we do?

First, we must accept that we are imperfect. We are not hypocrites and we are not bad people. We really do believe in respect for others and we really do want to celebrate individual differences and often we really do act on our beliefs.

Second, we teach our children that celebrating differences means being honest with our feelings and open to constructive feedback. Years ago as the white man directing a child care staff of predominantly African-American women, I asked for feedback if any of my words or actions seemed to be racist. Honesty and constructive feedback helped me to be more sensitive to how my words and actions affected others. I suggest we tell our children and students that we are wrong and make mistakes at times. It won't come as a shock to them and it will help teach them the skills needed for living in a diverse world. Children learn through the actions we model and the discussions we have with them about the meaning of those actions. We have the ability and the opportunity to teach them as we deal with differences of perspective, race, ethnicity, culture, and abilities.

Third, we ask them to commit to help us as we commit to help them grow in our attitudes about other people. I am frequently amazed at the ability of threes--even some twos--to recognize unfairness and judgmental attitudes. I recall a certain two year old son say to me, "Maybe she had a bad day" as I complained about someone else.

Finally, we open ourselves to the gift of individual differences. And those differences are special. My finger cannot do what my eye can do nor can my eye or finger take the place of my heart. Just as I am, personally, quite fond of and need my eye, finger and heart, I believe that we each need everyone of us. Our differences, our special skills, our unique perspectives are all a crucial and needed part of humanity.

©Copyright, 1998 Timothy R. Graves. All Rights Reserved. Permission to reproduce for use with parents and families of young children is granted provided no financial gain is involved and this copyright notice is included. Mr. Graves would appreciate any feedback and knowing how and when you use this document. Please let him know by writing Training Wheels for Early Childhood Education at 1981 Decatur Avenue Wheeling, WV 26003 or sending an e-mail to timgraves@trainingwheels4ece.com. Additional articles and handouts can be found at www.trainingwheels4ece.com