Helping Our Children Through Their Fears

Tim Graves, M.S.Ed.

What are you afraid of? I conducted a completely unscientific study of adults and children one recent afternoon. Apparently, the alligator and crocodile problem are much worse in child care programs than I had imagined. Seventeen percent of the people questioned are worried about these creatures with big teeth. Four percent are afraid of the Easter Bunny. Basket loaders--a kind of construction vehicle--are also a scary site to some thirteen percent of the study group. Other named fears were: the dark, my dog, shadows, sharks, tigers, lions, bears, "the same thing as Jacob", rattlesnakes, changes, being over-committed, food that touches, mice, the ocean, something happening to family members, spiders, noises in the dark, huge bills, tornadoes, bad dreams, bulls coming out of their pens, the woods, and scary movies. Only one member of the study group stated vehemently, "I'm not afraid of anything!" (I didn't believe him.)

Most of the adults and several of the children turned the question around on me. "Tim, what are you afraid of?" I avoided answering the adults by saying "You will have to read it in Tim's Talk." Well, here goes: I am afraid of losing my family, losing my job, saying something stupid, heights, and more. As I reflect upon the true nature of my fears, the root concern is for security and my own well-being. My fear of losing my employment is a loss of security, my fear of my wife's death is a loss of love--security, and my fear of falling from the top of a tall building is a physical loss of security.

Do our fears help us? Does the fear of alligators and job loss help us? Yes, I think so. Fears have a biological base in self-preservation. The fear of falling is instinctual in babies. The Moro reflex we see in young babies is a response to the fear of falling. Stranger anxiety makes sense from a biological point of view as well. Both of these responses increase the likelihood that the child will remain safe. Fear of job loss, can help us to consider possibilities, and the fear of alligators keeps us out of dangerous swamps. As our children get older, we encourage our children to see the reality in their fears. We turn on the light and look under the bed to assure them that the monster from Jurassic Park is not ready to attack them. As adults we sometimes have to do similar steps for ourselves. Occasionally upon waking from a nightmare, I turn on all the lights to assure myself that evil is not lurking in nearby.

Unfortunately, we sometimes pretend our fears don't exist and we teach our children to deny that they are afraid. Why is it do you think that not one of the adults told me they were afraid of losing their job? I would dare say a large percentage of workers are afraid during this era of cost-cutting that they may lose their job. We are very skilled at repressing our fears and not responding to them. I would venture to say that we learned this as children and we are teaching our children now. Sometimes we don't look under the bed with our children. We just tell them to "stop being ridiculous and go to sleep!" Sometimes we tell our children to "quit screaming, let Aunt Belinda hold you." We take away from our children. We teach them to deny fears.

Sometimes we become exasperated when they refuse to see the reality of the situation. While it is true that no sharks have ever been known to attack children on playgrounds, your child's fears about Jaws in the big puddle are very real. "So," you're saying, " is this guy suggesting I let my kid continue to believe that the Easter Bunny is going to snatch him out of bed and carry him off to the Land Beyond Time?" In a word, no. I suggest the following:

• Identify your child's fear. Accept that the feeling is real. "You're afraid that a rattlesnake is going to hurt you under the climber."

• Help your child to find a way of dealing with the fear. "You know....I don't think rattlesnakes are native to Vermont. Let's go check the encyclopedia or maybe we can call the museum and ask them." Or "I heard that rattlesnakes make a noise before they hurt you. Perhaps if you listen quietly, you can hear the rattle." Or "If you see a snake, what should you do?"

• Model ways of dealing with fears and talk about times when you are afraid. Talk with your children about being afraid and what you did to overcome it. I told the children on the playground during my unscientific study about painting my house and finding bats behind the shutters while I was thirty feet up on a ladder. "You're scared of bats, Tim!" "Yes, I am! After that first time, though I was very careful, I had a friend with me, and they didn't bother me."

The difference between my suggested approach and "Sharks don't eat kids in this county, don't be ridiculous!" is that we are being respectful while giving our children a tool that they can use when they face uncertainty later in life.

©Copyright, 1997 Timothy R. Graves.  All Rights Reserved. Permission to reproduce for use with parents and families of young children is granted provided no financial gain is involved and this copyright notice is included. Mr. Graves would appreciate any feedback and knowing how and when you use this document. Please let him know by writing Training Wheels for Early Childhood Education at 1981 Decatur Avenue Wheeling, WV 26003 or sending an e-mail to timgraves@trainingwheels4ece.com. Additional articles and handouts can be found at www.trainingwheels4ece.com