Letting Go of Miracles

Tim Graves, M.S.Ed.

A MIRACLE... I took a few minutes to visit with one-day-old Nicholas, a friend's newborn. As I held this miracle my blood pressure dropped and I simply stared at the gift that is a newborn and wasn't so sure I really wanted to let go of him and go back to work. (I did.)

As parents how do we get from that miracle to adulthood? How do we let go? At what pace do we let go? We all have heard the horror stories of children "let go" too soon--infants in dumpsters and 7-year-olds left home alone. We have often seen the result of children who were "let go" too late--young "adults" who don't exercise independence and responsibility because they don't know how. So how do we find the middle ground?

SO FAR... When my daughter was born I snatched her from the doctors and nurses as soon as possible and held her in my arms. I carried her to be weighed and returned with her to her mother's side. I sat in the hospital with her in my arms for hours only letting go because she had a mother, too.

At times her need to be independent and to "let go" has hurt me. As a toddler her words "ME DO!" that demanded to be "let go" were frustrating as juice spilled down the last outfit I had with me. On the first day of kindergarten, I scheduled my day so that I could go into work late and Jessie told me to go away. Last Spring I let her take a train trip with her class to Washington State. She was gone for nearly two-weeks and I waited by the phone ever-anxious for the "Dear Dad" calls.

SO HOW DO WE "LET GO"? It's hard to "let go" but it is our job. It is our job to prepare our children to be independent adults. That requires that we gradually allow them more and more independence. Sometimes we go a little too far and have to back up. (For example, I gave my son and daughter the keys to the car once and they turned it on. Now they get the key that only opens the door.) I had to back up. Sometimes, we don't go far enough and have to speed up. (For example, a parent told me that she uses 12-year-olds to babysit. If a 12-year-old babysat, maybe I could allow my 11-year-old to stay at home by herself for limited periods of time.) I had to speed up.

I think the answer is we have to be sensitive to who our children are as individuals--we do this by spending time with them and listening. I also think we have to know what is normal for most children--we do this by reading and watching and listening to other children.

So how do we "let go"? For me, I ask myself, "Do I love my children enough to give them what they need rather than what I need?" and I do the best I can.

©Copyright, 1996 Timothy R. Graves.  All Rights Reserved. Permission to reproduce for use with parents and families of young children is granted provided no financial gain is involved and this copyright notice is included. Mr. Graves would appreciate any feedback and knowing how and when you use this document. Please let him know by writing Training Wheels for Early Childhood Education at 1981 Decatur Avenue Wheeling, WV 26003 or sending an e-mail to timgraves@trainingwheels4ece.com. Additional articles and handouts can be found at www.trainingwheels4ece.com