Another Hazard of Parenting- Parentnoia

Tim Graves, M.S.Ed.

I read a Baby Blues comic strip in which the mother is sitting on the couch looking exhausted. She says, "Will Zoe hate me for letting her cry so long this afternoon?" She continues her lament in the next two panels, "Is Zoe's food safe to eat? Is she being exposed to too many pollutants? Is Zoe too small? Too big? Too normal?" In the final panel the father looks up from his newspaper to reply, "Stop being so parentnoid."

Unfortunately, we can't stop being parentnoid. It is a hazard of parenthood. As parents we want the best for our children. We worry about the choices we make for our children, we second guess how we should feel about our children, and we're afraid of losing control of ourselves and our children.

I am often privy to parental worries about making the right choice. I hear of prior choices that went sour, of fears that day care staff might mistreat or abuse children, of fears that Grandma is too old or unwilling to babysit anymore, and sometimes of relief that "I finally found a nice place."

Veteran parents know that they can't control their feelings about their children--but still second guess those feelings. A non-parent teacher babysitting a child recently said to me, "I shouldn't feel so angry with her." Guess what, I told her, I'll let you in on a little secret that all parents know. Whether we should or shouldn't , we sometimes feel angry and exasperated with our children. I believe those feelings are normal. Who likes being run from, whined at, spilled on, and spit up on at the end of a long day at work?

Part of parentnoia is the fear of losing control of ourselves and our children. When my youngest child, Isaac, was less than a year old I had a memorably bad week. No sooner had my wife's plane left the ground for a weeklong business trip than he developed a raging fever and ear infection. By the fifth night I had not had more than one consecutive hour of sleep and had used up all my sick days at work. I now understood why people sometimes abuse their children and I was afraid of losing control. Was I right to feel angry at a sick child? That is not the point. I did feel angry. I also rallied the last of my energy and made it through one more night.

Parentnoia is also fed by the fact that our children have experiences that we are not a part of. Those experiences are not always what we would choose. As early as the second year toddlers mimic important adults and peers. (Why else would my child have picked up that disgusting habit?) By three and four years of age the peer mimicry is in full swing. This is why the child who doesn't even have a television at home mimics the teletubbies saying "Bye-Bye!" over and over and over for no apparent reason. If we just had more control we believe our children would be perfect. But we don't. We never will.

Yes, but how do I slay the Giant Parentnoia Monster? Keep trying. Children are remarkable creatures who, with love and caring will make it to adulthood. And when they are parents themselves, they'll forgive us for being human.